And you never even said goodbye... you left me there to die

You know what? The only people who read this are the people using it to hurt me. So fuck an online journal. It's really sad that someone would do something like that, but whatever. I give up. The only posts from now on are going to be protected. Add me on myspace if you want to actually get a hold of me. But everyone else can go fuck themselves.

Currently Reading Life Expectancy: A Novel By Dean Koontz see related

So this is to better days when we still felt alive..

I feel bad because I don't really check myspace or xanga anymore. Its just kind of there anymore. Actually, I don't really get on aim anymore either. I just kind of suck. Oh well. School has been kind of weird. To come from an environment where everyone has always known me to a place where no one really knows me and doesn't exactly care. Its been.. I don't know.. odd? I can't really describe it. No, I'm not having a bad time. I miss my friends. It really makes me sad when they call me up and tell me about the things they're doing and its like, "hey, you should have been there!" Now I understand why its so different. It is almost like I'm in a completely different place, in a completely different world; even if they are just a few miles away from me..
Everyone at school, they have their own clicks, they have their own little friends and I guess it doesn't matter to them if I'm included or not. I understand that. I didn't really talk to the new kids either, they were just there.
I went to a school event at my old school and half the people didn't even recognize me. I've been at that school since kindergarten.. come on people. That's pathetic. Some of the people obviously thought I was imposing by being there. Egotistical hypocritical cynical bastards.
I found a couple of people who use to go to my old school, but they're different people.. It's not the same. I'm too shy to go up and just randomly start talking to people, its not even my place to do that. It's kind of weird to just sit there by myself or not even know people's names.
The teachers, even though they're adequate in their teaching, make me feel like a number rather than a person. I know they wouldn't care if I fail or don't graduate; its only their job to see that I get the material and understand it. I can understand with such a large number of students.. but I don't know.
I wish I could write everything.. but because its the internet, I'm not going to even think about it. I'm not going to get into it if people think I actually possess feelings.
Well, oh well. That's all I have right now I guess.

Currently Reading In Cold Blood By Truman Capote see related

You left me out there in the cold.. Never have I felt so alone..

I guess I'm having a good time at bhs. Its a lot different from wb, but that's not necessarily a bad thing now. Its different in the sense that teachers and staff expect more out of you and the classes are a lot more difficult, it kind of has more of a college feel rather than wb's junior highish feel. It feels kind of weird that no one really misses me at my old school. That's okay I suppose. I wasn't all that involved so I could understand that. Sometimes I miss people there, but I prefer not to think about it.
My oldest sister Amy moved into her boyfriend, Billy's house. Its kind of weird now, yet its not really different. I finally put all of my stuff into the room and damn.. its really empty. Basically, its just the tv, bed, and all my guitar shit. I don't know. Its just strange.
Everyone gets all weird whenever they mention my dad. It just feels like one of those things you never say. The past is the past. I don't see any point of talking about it if you can't change it. I can understand what they mean though. To see someone you know and have them not even acknowledge you, talk to you like you're nothing, invisible. We're all broken people. I guess that explains a lot.
I'm so lost when it comes to religion. I'm starting to think it was just something people made up so that everyone wouldn't have to spend their entire lives worrying about what happens when we die. It's nice to imagine that we're all going some place nice where we're loved and accepted and nothing really matters... but I doubt that. Maybe all we do.. is die. That's not really all that bad, is it? I mean.. why does everyone get all freaked out to think about this is it? Life is nice. Life is simple. Live, love, work, die. I think most people's problem is they just don't want to be forgotten. Rememberance really is the ultimate immortality, isn't it? I think so. If you're remembered, you never die. That would be nice, but I guess it doesn't really matter.
Well, here's a poem. I don't know, this post made me think of it.

The walls seem so empty this way
without your picture to remind me
A calender that still marks the day
struggling to keep the memory

I'm begging you please don't go
You can't leave me this way..
Take everything I've ever known
cause I can't think of a reason to stay
cause I can't think of a reason to stay...

Vacant eyes engulf this place
I can't be here anymore
All this is is empty space
I don't know what I was looking for

I'm begging you please don't go
You can't leave me this way
Take everything I've ever known
cause I can't think of a reason to stay
cause I can't think of a reason to stay....

A calender that still marks the day... struggling to keep the memory

Currently Listening Transatlanticism By Death Cab for Cutie Passenger Seat see related

I'm dying to understand what makes us want to love again.. the pain seems to have no end

Edit//
I never know what to say on these sites anymore. I just don't have the will to write every little thing I've done, but oh well. I'll try. My birthday went okay I guess. Really late an update on that. We decided just to hang out at the park. Nothing much happened. The park is so annoying nowadays because all they do is play creepy circus music. I have no idea why they do that, but I guess its people's strange idea of what it should be.
Queer as Folk was bad. I don't understand why people like that show. I guess it was because the acting wasn't that great and I hated how egotistical and assholish they acted. They were really stereotypical gay people and that's kind of irritating. Plus, the lesbians were all butchy, fat, and mean and defiantely not the right representation of what lesbians are really like. It really sends the wrong message. But oh well.
Why can't we ever have anything cool happen in Iowa? I was watching the Iowa State Fair on tv briefly and all it was were a bunch of bluegrass and hillbilly bands that suck. There is no talent in Iowa apparently because the talent show sucked. I guess the best and only thing we're going to get out of Iowa is Ashton Kutcher. Which reminds me Joe's Apartment sucked too. It really made Joe look like a stupid fucking Iowan. Well oh well. I guess its not our fault there's never anything to do here.

I clasp an empty hand around a vacant heart
the worthless desolate thing that fell apart
I wonder if we ever knew what it was like
Our fragile yesterday that haunts me day and night

I keep your memory bottled up inside
the hollow shell of what I thought was a lie
Our lifeless affection afflicting on my mind
the trouble is that I'm the one who pays the price

Isn't this wonderful that I've become
The person I've been trying to escape from
the eyes that criticize and darken with the truth
the simple fact that I guess they never knew